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This week, "Weekend Update" is debuting a new feature: "Your Turn", in which we welcome concerned citizens to express their views on issues in our society. Today, to speak on behalf of the chemical industry, is industry spokesman Jack Van Arks. Jack?
Jack Van Arks: Thank you, Jane. You know, these days, a lot of people think that anything chemical is bad! And anything natural is good! Now, what these people forget is that nature IS chemical! Now, one of the reasons I think people have this prejudice against chemistry, is that it was such a difficult subject in school! I admit it myself. That's why I majored in Public Relations! Believe me, I'm a lot better at communicating with people than I am at figuring out complicated equations and formulas! [ he snickers ] Now, the other day, I was eating lunch at a chemical factory when one of the lab scientists said to me, "Jack, you want some sodium chloride on your baked potato?" And I said, "Whoa-oa! Keep your lab chemicals away from my food!" And he said, "Jack! Sodium chloride! NaCl!" And I said, "I don't care what you call it, I don't want any sodium chloride near my potato!" Well, you know what sodium chloride turned out to be? [ he picks up a salt shaker ] Simple table salt! [ he sprinkles some in the lam of his hand, then chugs it into his mouth ] Pretty harmless! Well... no sooner is that amusing episode over, when I say, "Boy! My soup sure is hot!" And this chemist says, "Why don't you put some dihydrogen oxide in it?" And I said, "Dihydrogen oxide? Sounds pretty ominous to me!" And he said, "Dihydrogen oxide. H2O." Well, even I know what H2O is! Simple water. Well, I guess eating would be kind of boring without old NaCl, and life would be pretty near impossible without... dihydrogen oxide! So, you see -- without chemicals, life would be boring AND impossible! Jane?
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Jack. Hey, Jack -- how would you like a glass of H2SO4? [ she hands him a glass of clear liquid ]
Jack Van Arks: Oh, sure, Jane! What, uh -- what is H2SO4, Jane? [ he takes a sip ]
Jane Curtin: [ laughing ] Well, it's nothing more than simple household... sulfuric acid.
[ Jack Van Arks chokes violently on the sulfuric acid and collapses to the floor ]
I heard this one interviewed once and really liked her. Most of what she said in the interview was dead on. Never checked her blog, though...